"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
