i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
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