Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
