She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
