Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
