My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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