Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize