i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
