I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
