tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize