please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize