I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
