Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
