turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
