i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
