he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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