I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
