life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
