My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
