You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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