Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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