dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
