So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
