Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I could fuck to npr.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
