god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Randomize
