I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
