you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
