Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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