whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Randomize
