help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
