why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
