Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
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