I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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