Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
