I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Randomize
