I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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