I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
