we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
