she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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