Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
where does the pee come out of this thing
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
