I just pynch a tree in the face
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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