Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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