And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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