Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
