you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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