DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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