Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
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