Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
