nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Why can't burritos get me drunk
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
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