I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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