wanna go halves on a baby?
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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