I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
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