the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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