i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
my liver is dry heaving
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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