3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I miss vodka workout Fridays
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Randomize
