Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
