youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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