I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
