I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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