How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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