IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
