if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
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