in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
