I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
