he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
