I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
